Life isn't fair to men.................

Thought 1:

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2:

The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
And at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Thought 3:

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

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WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl hasmore boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywoodheroine and after marriage you have to go around hertwice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love toyou, you are bankrupt because of the number of timesyou had to take her out to movie theatres andrestaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneerbutter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloomatar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneerand aloos you are either in the bed with chroniccholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your careeris the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think thatshe is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because ofthe mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busywatching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that youeither end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state andcovers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" shemeans she is going to "walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than thenumber of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knowsare "Thank you" and "How are you"
13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than MichaelJackson.

WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn'tstudy in IIT or Madras /Anna University.
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with" ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (TheDubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with heron a 25 year contract to extract coconutoil from herhair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or aflower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name,middle name and surname combined (unless you are fromAndhra)
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are neversure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden onher head and wears silk saris in the Madras heatwithout looking too uncomfortable while you aremelting in your singlet.
10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.
11. Her favourite cricketer is KrishnamachariSrikkanth.
12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has triedNorth Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like theslang for 'conversation')
13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in everymovie.
14. She bores you by telling you which raaga eachsong you hear is based on.
15. You have to give her jewellery, though she hasalready got plenty of it ..
16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than thechampionship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
17. She is more educated than you.
18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you..

So..it's always better to be alone and enjoy ur life!!!

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Always keep your condoms in car

Dear all

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
………….
……… …….
……………â
€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦.

Always keep your condoms in car...

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Do not complicate the issues............

This particular joke won the award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and it was sent by an Indian...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions ofgalaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small andinsignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Whatdoes it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Someone has stolen our tent".

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Good night Kiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling,
he ashed her "hey sweetheart gimme me a kiss"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.. ..

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL

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Height of Communication Gap ............

Mr..Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day,
Mrs..Verma receives a telephone call from British Gas because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs..Verma ? "
"Yes...... speaking"
British Gas guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the British Gas guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight.....he will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to British Gas office the next day morning
."What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts."
Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at British Gas, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks
."I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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Bubble in the bath tub....

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby.

She said " Let's start with the boys first.
Boys start giving their intro.

First boy : " My name is john, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub. "

Teacher was confused to listen and said "interesting - well, ok. In
fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a child in each of us. So its ok john. Yes next-"

Second boy : " myself peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub "
Teacher now got surprised and said " gooodd.. I like the spirit

of supporting a friend . ok next - "
Third boy : I m smith & my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub "
Teacher : " guys are u joking or what ? please be sincere. Ok next
- "
This continues, and the last boy stands up :
I m herry, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub "

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach u ungrown boyz for long. Any way, now the girls please -"

First girl : I m july and my hobby is to see birds "

Teacher : "gooodd. At last I got something different. Ok
next-"

Second :I m ruby and I like to collect perfumes "

Teacher : " now its like educated grown up girls . ok next - u
sweet girl-

yes u - "
Most beautiful girl of the class : "Mam my name is Bubble, and
hobby is to take bath three times a day " !!!

...enjoy!!!

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URINE SAMPLE..........................

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I had better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....heckof a lot cheaper than a doctor!"

So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel and waited.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer printed out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo
. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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This one will help u in near future..

I had VODKA with WATER I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER I felt DRUNK.
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the World seems to be fading away, come along with me i'll take u an eye specialist !!

I wrote ur name on the sands.............it got washed away,I wrote ur name in air..........................it got blown away,So i wrote ur name in my heart.............i got a HEART ATTACK

LOVE is like a CIGARIt starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends inashes... But dont worry - we are chain smokers

ur smile can be compared to a flowerur voice can be compared to a cuckoour inocence to a childbut in stupidityu have no comparisonu r the best

True love is like a pillowu can hug when u r in troubleu can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy so whenu need true love spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow

when i call u;1 ring means i'm thinking of u;2 ring means i like u;3 means i miss u;4 means .........pick d phone idiot

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it toexclamatory sentence ...Student : WOW !

The human brain is most outstanding thing.......it functions 24hrs 365 days.....it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in love

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..A beer shortens your life by 4 min..A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....

Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the classStudent : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler committed suicide

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